WARNING : This post will be freaking emo and filled with crazy thoughts in my small brain.

I was surrounded with people filling laughter in the air, joking around with one another about their crazy phony actions. It felt like no one really care. You just sit on a chair and stare in space. The world revolved around me. I couldn't care any less about my surroundings. I always asked myself why can't I fit in? Joke around with them, pretend to laugh, pretend to be someone that I am not. I will be one of those phonies that I met in my life. I tried to be one of them but honestly, I couldn't. It was just crazy or I should say madness. I felt stupid about myself. So I began to stay away and become an ultimate bitch of A day. I was moody, grumpy and I didn't feel like talking to anyone. It was like if anyone tries to talk to me, I would go mad and just shout at them. I was that crazy. It was everything was forced to this freaking small brain of mine. I couldn't think straight. It was like you just want people to stop asking if you are alright. Cause I wasn't fucking alright. I was in a mood of craziness, filled with anger raging inside me, trying to get out but it was forced to stay in that bubble so no one can get hurt. Every part of me was tearing apart.

It is like I am an onion, each fucking layer peeled off so quickly. I could have lose my friends ( I think they are my friends ) Well, just drown me in sorrow and tears. I am just this girl. This girl who is big and tall but doesn't want anyone to notice. It is like I could walk miles and yet, still drowning myself with thoughts of crazy shit ass. I am tired of thinking/contemplating. Fuck my brain. Fuck me for being me. Sometimes, I do hate myself. But I love myself most of the times. I hate myself for not having the courage to tell my groupmates that : HEY I AM FUCKING TIRED. HELP ME WILL YOU? DO THE CASTING WILL YOU? CAN YOU? FOR ME? JUST HELP ME? PLEASE I DO NEED YOUR HELP! CAUSE I AM FUCKING TIRED OF WALKING UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS TO WASH MY HAND OR TO TAKE THE SLIT FOR THE CRAZY WORKSHOP FILLED WITH HAMMER, WOOD DUST AND BLADE CUTTING SOUND.  I AM TIRED.  HELP ME JUST ONCE. DO THE SANDING. HELP. IF WE DO IT BEFORE WEEKENDS, ALL OF US CAN ENJOY LIKE CRAZY PEOPLE DON'T YOU THINK SO? JUST FUCKING SAVE ME.

It was in my head all the time, I just didn't have the courage to tell them. I was a useless cunt. I really am. Where is courage when I need it the most? It just turned its back to me and walk away. Asking me to find it by myself. Search for it. I told to many that I want to give up. I wanna heck care. But guess what? You will find me wandering outside class and do the work. I wasn't only crazily going crazy about this but also, my laptop. Fucking hard disk died on me. Stupid me for not backing up my data. Why am I born stupid or lazy? Why didn't I fucking back up my data? You see, people don't actually care if your hard disk is crashed. Even I think I won't care. Cause they are too busy with their work. People always put themselves first. Even I DO. I fucking put myself first. I am the selfish bitch. I am not going to pretend to be the sweetest/ nicest girl and say : OH! I always help my friend when they need me or listen to them when they need me or help them when they need me. I won't be that girl. What is the point of me trying to pretend to be nice and not selfish? What do I gain? NOTHING.

I will just be those phonies who say they always care but actually, they don't or those who say they will help but they don't. I can't stand them so why should I be them? Just let me have the bad person figure so nobody will doubt me being nice. But there are people who are actually nice and kindhearted. Their heart are pure. Well, THANK GOD THEY EXIST. They make the world balance. Yin and Yang. I wish I was nice, I wish I was sweet, I wish I can be the girl that everyone will just adore. But in reality, I am not. I am a human who has its ups and downs. And now, this is the down side of me. Welcome to my life.


p.s : I am nuts and crazy and half insane when I am typing this. I am NOT offending anyone.

I am pretty stressed up and I don't know why. This feeling sucks. Totally. My life is pretty mundane now. And I am busy trying to lose my weight! It is really stress and tiring. Like I am not sure if I can handle it but I am not going to give up! Not going to!

I want to shop soon! SHOPPING!