Lykke Li


I just love her voice, her music. Definitely one of my favourite! Been listening the song Paris Blue. Lovely music. Listening to her music while I am studying or doing work. Let's just say her music calms my soul.

" I am not good enough for you. "

Having a coke with you


" Having a Coke with You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them

I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse

it seems they were all cheated of some marvelous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I am telling you about it "

Frank O’Hara

Building up.

All these anger is building inside. I just wish you know how much you annoy people. Sometimes, I want to tell you to stand up on your feet and DO IT YOURSELF.

But you know, IT IS POINTLESS. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH PEOPLE YOU ANNOYED! Like everyone in class is kinda of mad at you. You are the definition of selfish. You are a good friend but this  is happening again. It isn't good for you and us.

Another person I dislike is my lecturer. I hate him, I HATE HIM. I don't understand why must he be so biased? I don't like you. I hate you but you are still my lecturer and there are things I don't know and I NEED TO ASK YOU. So please answer back PROPERLY. Don't just uh uh yea yea. Oh god. GO DOTE YOUR OTHER STUDENTS WHO RESPECT YOU. I DON'T. 

YOU LOOKED DOWN ON ME. 

Weirdness

Everything seemed weird, like so unreal. I don't really know why. My life has always been complicated but with my boyfriend around, my life seemed to just, for that moment, toned down its complication.

Long Road.

No one said it was easy to begin with. I really trying my best. 

Fantasy Land.


A land filled with pretty flowers, rainbow and waterfall.
Just that, it can take away my pain. 
Am I suffering? 
I can't tell you.
Am I happy?
I can't tell you.
Cause
even I, myself, don't know.
The mixture of uncertainty. You can't understand it. You just bear with it.
Hoping it will vanish like thin air but it doesn't.
It still stays. 
The difference is, 
it is hidden away.
The only thing you can do is just bear with it but you yearn to tell someone.
but no one can understand.
You don't want someone to answer those worries, you just want that person
to listen.

Waiting.

I am anxiously waiting for my ASOS package. When is it coming? D:

Joy Division.


A band I just knew and I asked myself why did it took me so long.

Sad to hear that the lead singer, Ian, was hang by his wife.

Look forward.

Next week, I will be going to school. New semester, new shit. I shall look forward to it. Go school, do what I got to do. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. After watching The Perks of being a Wallflower, I start to wander what the hell I have been doing for myself. Like am I living the life I want to? Or just being someone I am not. It is like I starting to lose myself. I want to go to WONDERLAND. A place filled with flowers, birds chirping away, butterflies and unicorns. UNICORNS EVERYWHERE. I am crazy. Crazy right now.  

Heart skipped a beat.

What. If.

What if?

Got back my result. I ain't happy at all. I feel disappointed, really upset. Am I even in the right course? Last time, I know what I want. My dreams, My life. Now, I don't know what I really want anymore. I really don't know. I love to compete. That is EVERYONE'S NATURE. I am a sportswoman so obviously, I want to compete. But human has its limit don't they? I lost all my faith. I feel disappointed. I wanna cry. I don't know what to do anymore. I never felt so lost before. Never. I am disappointed with myself.

Lost.

I am suppose to search for ITP right now but my fucking laptop crashed and I didn't back up my files. So basically, I got nothing.

WTS!

Staying Alive.


ME AND WEIRD FACES.

Holidays are here. I ain't happy and I don't know why. I should have ZERO stress but yet, I AM FEELING STRESSED OUT. Seriously, there is never ending in the design world don't you think? Everyone is competing to stay alive! My life just revolve in the tumblr. There are so many places that I would like to go. So many. But yet, I have NO money. Seriously, all of these stinks. Really. Truly. Holidays are suppose to relax. But I don't feel like it. Like it not even relaxing at all! NOT! 

Surrounded with Uncertainty.

WARNING : This post will be freaking emo and filled with crazy thoughts in my small brain.

I was surrounded with people filling laughter in the air, joking around with one another about their crazy phony actions. It felt like no one really care. You just sit on a chair and stare in space. The world revolved around me. I couldn't care any less about my surroundings. I always asked myself why can't I fit in? Joke around with them, pretend to laugh, pretend to be someone that I am not. I will be one of those phonies that I met in my life. I tried to be one of them but honestly, I couldn't. It was just crazy or I should say madness. I felt stupid about myself. So I began to stay away and become an ultimate bitch of A day. I was moody, grumpy and I didn't feel like talking to anyone. It was like if anyone tries to talk to me, I would go mad and just shout at them. I was that crazy. It was everything was forced to this freaking small brain of mine. I couldn't think straight. It was like you just want people to stop asking if you are alright. Cause I wasn't fucking alright. I was in a mood of craziness, filled with anger raging inside me, trying to get out but it was forced to stay in that bubble so no one can get hurt. Every part of me was tearing apart.

It is like I am an onion, each fucking layer peeled off so quickly. I could have lose my friends ( I think they are my friends ) Well, just drown me in sorrow and tears. I am just this girl. This girl who is big and tall but doesn't want anyone to notice. It is like I could walk miles and yet, still drowning myself with thoughts of crazy shit ass. I am tired of thinking/contemplating. Fuck my brain. Fuck me for being me. Sometimes, I do hate myself. But I love myself most of the times. I hate myself for not having the courage to tell my groupmates that : HEY I AM FUCKING TIRED. HELP ME WILL YOU? DO THE CASTING WILL YOU? CAN YOU? FOR ME? JUST HELP ME? PLEASE I DO NEED YOUR HELP! CAUSE I AM FUCKING TIRED OF WALKING UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS TO WASH MY HAND OR TO TAKE THE SLIT FOR THE CRAZY WORKSHOP FILLED WITH HAMMER, WOOD DUST AND BLADE CUTTING SOUND.  I AM TIRED.  HELP ME JUST ONCE. DO THE SANDING. HELP. IF WE DO IT BEFORE WEEKENDS, ALL OF US CAN ENJOY LIKE CRAZY PEOPLE DON'T YOU THINK SO? JUST FUCKING SAVE ME.

It was in my head all the time, I just didn't have the courage to tell them. I was a useless cunt. I really am. Where is courage when I need it the most? It just turned its back to me and walk away. Asking me to find it by myself. Search for it. I told to many that I want to give up. I wanna heck care. But guess what? You will find me wandering outside class and do the work. I wasn't only crazily going crazy about this but also, my laptop. Fucking hard disk died on me. Stupid me for not backing up my data. Why am I born stupid or lazy? Why didn't I fucking back up my data? You see, people don't actually care if your hard disk is crashed. Even I think I won't care. Cause they are too busy with their work. People always put themselves first. Even I DO. I fucking put myself first. I am the selfish bitch. I am not going to pretend to be the sweetest/ nicest girl and say : OH! I always help my friend when they need me or listen to them when they need me or help them when they need me. I won't be that girl. What is the point of me trying to pretend to be nice and not selfish? What do I gain? NOTHING.

I will just be those phonies who say they always care but actually, they don't or those who say they will help but they don't. I can't stand them so why should I be them? Just let me have the bad person figure so nobody will doubt me being nice. But there are people who are actually nice and kindhearted. Their heart are pure. Well, THANK GOD THEY EXIST. They make the world balance. Yin and Yang. I wish I was nice, I wish I was sweet, I wish I can be the girl that everyone will just adore. But in reality, I am not. I am a human who has its ups and downs. And now, this is the down side of me. Welcome to my life.


p.s : I am nuts and crazy and half insane when I am typing this. I am NOT offending anyone.

Holiday Mood.


Being Goofy.

School is coming to an end BUT my submission deadline is this friday and I ain't panicking. It is stressful to not feel stress. This totally sucks. Very much D: I hate it! I need to feel the pressure. But I don't know what I am doing. Oh god. Help! D:

Stress.

I am pretty stressed up and I don't know why. This feeling sucks. Totally. My life is pretty mundane now. And I am busy trying to lose my weight! It is really stress and tiring. Like I am not sure if I can handle it but I am not going to give up! Not going to!

I want to shop soon! SHOPPING!

Starting a new blog.

Hello!

I decided to start a blog about my journey to my dieting and health issues but I will continue to blog here about my personal stuff or my personal rants! I started with my first post! Hope you guys will take your time to read cause it mean a lot for me to open up and face the fact.

Today is a busy day :( #Lifeofadesigner.

Take the time.


Dream to believe.

I deserve to go away. I don't deserve my parents. I am a disappointment.

World.


The world that is filled with lies, fantasy and love.

3rd week and I feel like I am still in the first week of school. I am looking for part-time job. It is very hard to avoid F&B as it gives me flexible timing but no way I am going back there. I want to do something more. Maybe learn design through working. Why not? I sent an email to The Wonderland. Hopefully, I can hear from them soon. I really need a job. A girl like me who shops, eat good food, needs money!

I am not going to ask from my parents. I am old enough to take care of myself and know what I want. I need to prove to them I am maturing or else, they will still think I am still immature. I am immature when comes to some things but there are some point when I am well-mannered. Why is living expense so high in Singapore? Damn.

Different.


" An apartment facing the Effie Tower, 
with a queen size bed covered with plain white sheets,
a table with a cup of hot chocolate and a typewriter.
A place to dream. "

I wanna go overseas during the September holiday. I wanna travel somewhere. I want, I really do. Hopefully, I can plan out well. 

Boils down.


Everything seemed to be going downhill. No one is at fault. It is just all in me. I miss Danang, Vietnam. I can't bear to say bye to those happy times. I just need to explore. At this moment, nothing seems right. No one's life is smooth-sailing. It is all in the mind. However, my mind isn't in the happy mood. I totally hate my lecturer. I hate my life in Singapore. I dislike coming back to reality.

Many things happened in Danang. Knowing my friend for 5 years, and one fine day, she just blow up at me. After that, I found out she has been keeping it all in her heart. I knew about it. But I just ignore it. But what happened in Danang, I can't just forget. It is like there is a stain in the friendship. If it delays any longer, it will get worse. Tell me, how do I make this right? She will never open up to me. Maybe I have been a bad friend. A bad friend who doesn't care about her feelings but mine. Yeah I am selfish bitch. I am flawed. Judge me.

I am so gloomy now. I didn't have enough sleep when I came back from Danang. I can't smile now. It seems to hard to. I can't be me now. The short-tempered me is back. And I hate that. I wanna get rid of it. I don't wanna return to that past. That past I had. It brings back bad memories. Super.

Simple Things.

IDGAF

Back to reality. No more village trips from DTU. No more shopping at BigC. No more air con in my room. No more fun. Well, this kinda of sucks. I am missing Danang's Beach. I miss the villagers. The village's food are great. I miss sitting at the edge of the river bank, listening to music and sketching. Those small moments.

Now, school start. Everything returns back to where they belong. I wish I can have a longer getaway. Or maybe a forever getaway. If only.

Hope.

After a while, you start to look around to really see what is going on with your life.
Life is bullshit.
Cheaters, Liars, Backstabbers.
I am flawed. 
Keep chasing for perfections.
In the end, who fall down and cry? Me.
Danang is really beautiful. I really wanna shut my eyes and forget everything.

Happy Birthday.

Turning 18 on this special day.
Well, 18 seems like I am getting old.
God, I ain't greedy for anything.
I just want me to be happy.

Away.

I wish I knew what I was doing.
I wish I know there is a place where I can fit in.
I wish.

I am in Vietnam, Danang. I am relaxing in a way right now. Groupmates doing work!  (Y) I am here blogging. Danang is really beautiful. Surprised that they have night life here. You can see clubs and restaurant filled with customers at late night ard 9. People like to gather and chat. Honking at one another seems normal. Kids smile innocently. It is like there is a whole new world here.The villagers are friendly. I really enjoyed talking to them even though there is a language barrier. The food here are really good and it taste yummy!

I am beginning to get use to the place here. I really love it here. I really do. It is so different in Singapore. Singapore is always fast-pace. Here, it is filled with scooters. But the thing is they drive with their eyes open, not relying on the traffic lights. Unlike Singapore. It is so much better. The wifi here is awesome (Y)

Moment away.


River Viiperi.

Always get a cute model to just start your day. You will be thinking of him or smiling away. I don't know. It just freaking works on me so I don't give a damn to what you guys think. I have been stressed up so basically this what I can get away. Usually I need a getaway, I run to my Tumblr. It is the best damn thing I ever had and I mean it! I really do.

Tuesday night @ Chips with the usual girls. Mp got high. And guess who I saw. The boy I hate now. Great. That cause me drink more. Which means I am getting poorer each day. I need a job after I come back from my 3 weeks in Vietnam. I should find a higher pay and cooler job. I need more experience. Been to retail, F&B. There is more to it. More to your job choices. 

Hopefully, this Friday's Presentation will be okay. Pray!

Worried.


See this skinny legs?
Jealous?
Well, I am.














Recently, I watched Demi Lovato's Stay Strong Documentary. I realized I was once cutting myself unknowingly, loving the pain, crying it out. And now, I realized I am going to have eating disorder problems. Current stage : Early.

It isn't very serious like hers. But once I eat too much, I will skip my other meals and forced myself to stay away from food. So basically, I eat one meal per day. If I eat supper, I will feel disgusted so I will vomit or just don't eat the next day till late evening. It is just the thought of the amount of food I had. And part of me just hate it. Hate me for eating so much. I start to look at myself in the mirror. Judge the way I look. Hate it. At the same time, I feel like harming my own body. I have thought of cutting my body, cutting the fats out.

I guess most girls think that way too. It is just that the world judge you from the way you look. I became so self-conscious about my own body. I even lied to my parents that I ate my dinner and stuff. At least, my situation isn't that serious. So I guess I am over-thinking. 

Side of me.

There is another side of me.
Trying to force it way out.
Trying to show the world what I am.
But I know if the world knows,
they might not even care.
They might hate me.

This is.


The world is ahead of you.
You just sit back and think to yourself.
What am I doing with my life?
What is my life?
Lost and Empty.
 

My life seems so .. Honestly, I have no word to describe it. Feeling lazy right now. I guess it is the life of Jolin.

Forgotten.


We just live in a world filled with lies.
Can we just move away from it?
Can we just run away?

Lovely.


Beauty of life.
Death fear no man.
 
I am having history lesson. Oh god. This is so boring. My lecture saying tanned skin people tend to be unhealthy! No way. I am healthy like a freaking strong bull. Okay Me being judgmental! Been very stressed out over my major project - Food Design. It sounds easy but HELL NO.

It is totally tough. I can never satisfy my lecturers. They always have awesome ideas which I can't really do. Partly, I don't have an oven. Oven seems very important right now. And also, I don't have a blender. Wowww. I shall asked mama to add more things into the kitchen! Well, at least, I learnt that I can cook! I really do can. Trust me. I rock (:

My mashed potato was awesome. My family was digging it. Not as good as KFC! but hey, NOT BAD OKAY (: Proud of myself (:

Easy way out.

"If I let you go, I will never know what my life will be holding you close to me. Will I ever see you smiling back at me. How will I know, if I let you go? " 
-Westlife

Listening to old hits. Bring memories. Well, they are wonderful memories. Definitely good. I mean I have bad memories that I wish I could just delete it. But how will I ever learn? How will I ever know what is right or wrong? How will I know what is Love and what is Lie? It is those moments I had, that I experiences which left memories. Be it good or bad. They are part of me now.

Anyways, I AM INTO THE POTATO MOOD <3

Pieces.

Everything we once knew was broken.
The things we felt.
The promises we made.
The lies we told.
The truth that set us apart.

Nape.



The pain I've been through is the pain that everyone goes through.
The pain of life.

Hello to my nape piercing (: I got like pierce twice. Twice the feeling oh god. But I love the piercer (: She is so nice! I have been thinking a lot and doing a lot of research (: Nape piercing tends to reject quick if I don't take good care of it and also partly, due to how the piercer pierced (:

I am loving my piercing! Current status : No pain at all. Slept totally well (: I need to clean it well! Hopefully I can! Bye to swimming for 2 weeks ):

Cry.



What's meant to be, it'll meant to be yours.
Stop chasing for it, let it come to you.
If it meant to stay, it will.

Hollo.



Let the Game begin (: Year 2 of school starting. It has been a while since I came back to Studio. Well, unfortunately, the school didn't start out well for me. Alot of things is going the wrong way. I am losing it. I am going insane.

We live in the psycho world.

Wonder.

I don't understand me. What makes you think you do?

Forgotten



Seeing you at a side makes me wonder.

Holiday will be coming to an end in a blink. Camp is coming up. Quite excited about it! Working and training is my life during holiday! Barely got time with my friend ): Need $$. Effing broke for sure.

Disaster.



It is nothing but disaster.

I am feeling stressed up right now. Just the bloody first week of the school, I am already feeling that way. Tension formed. It sucks. It really do. I feel like nothing is going the correct direction. Future just seem blur to me now. Maybe I never belong, Maybe I do.

New year.



Can never agree more.

It is 1/1/12. Well, I will have a hard time getting use to writing 2012. A new year. Time do pass real quickly. A year, 2011, that had a lot of downs but yet, there were ups (: I am glad I got know new friends and loving them all! But 2011 had been great.

Time to lead a better life and Treasure each day more! I can't wait to feel free. Be free actually. Hoping that day will come. Been listening to First Aid Kid and Incubus. Great songs.