Love Again.

Give it time.
Give it time.

 Cause it ain't no race.
You'll be fine.

 You & Me stand for something. 

Cause I don't want to do this again.

 Another day another day.
See your face.

A Two Sided Love

He has 2 different sides. One with his friends, One with his lover. He isn't weird or crazy. He just acted differently towards 2 different types of people in his life. He is a good friend, caring friend and he will joke with you. Towards his lover, he treats her the same but better; he gets more comfortable and honest.

As his honesty reveals, it wasn't a bad thing but he never knew how it felt for his lover. The verbal abuse of words scarred her heart. This is a human error. We tend to see the negative more than the positive. The reason being because negative brings a bigger impact in one's memory. He protects her, makes her happy, be there for her but soon, things changed.

Honesty came in. Words became arrows stabbed into the heart. In the end, his lover pulled those arrows out and patched the wounds by herself. He never wanted to hurt her but he never knew what it felt like. His lover gave him whatever she can. She gave her all. 

Did he appreciate it? 

His lover just wish for a thank you. A thank you that will never come because she knows he will never do that for her.

But why did she stay?

Because she can't live without him.

It's okay, It's love

It's okay if he stops loving you. It's okay if he fell for another woman. It's okay if he was never planned to be yours forever. It's okay if you were never the one for him.  It's okay to let him go, to let him find someone better. It's okay to keep holding on to him. It's okay if love hurts. It's okay because you are not alone. It's okay, It's love.

I will comfort you and be there for you whenever I can.

Maybe one day, I will wake up from this dream. Maybe this dream will always be a dream. For now, goodnight.

I never knew the reason why.

I don't know why I feel that way. I don't know why I have expectations from someone. I am stupid to think that the things I do for you, maybe one day you will do that for me too. I guess I just love surprises. No wonder they say working life is pretty shitty if you don't do things you love.

Everyday, I give him a call telling him how my work was. He listens but I know he is too busy with his camp stuff and I am grateful that he spares me that 10 minutes. Talking to him makes the day whole lot better but getting to see him will be a blessing. To be able to see someone you love is such a great feeling. It can't be explained.

I don't know why I would predict the future of what you will do for me. It is pretty stupid of me to think that way. I guess it is stupid habit of mine. I always love surprises when I was young. Even when I am at 21, I still love birthdays. I still love presents. I still love gift wrapped box items. Cliche of me but I just love them. It makes a person's day.

That is why I give him surprises because it makes a person feel good. And when he feels good, I feel happy because getting to make someone you love happy is one good feeling. I remembered how it felt. I guess once is enough.

He said leave him if I am not happy. He said not just once but twice. Does it mean he wants me to? Too tired to think of anything. Got to get my Starbucks/Coffeebean/Whichever Coffee Shop I can see tomorrow.


No longer.

Maybe it is not the same as it was before. People change in relationship. I won't say it is a bad thing. Everyone is changing. Nothing stays the same for long. It is life. We are always adapting to new things. We can never stop growing and learning. I am trying to adapt to new things and learn to accept them.

I guess when people ask you to let go certain stuff, you try but you can't. Because you feel that you can do it. You can make it work. Determination, I guess? Am I strong enough? I feel vulerable and weak. I am. I tell myself I am strong and show people I am strong but deep inside, I know I am weak. When will I be strong? Can I be my own hero?

For the past few nights, I have been lighting my candle to sleep. It gives me hope. It told me it will be better tomorrow. I hold on to it. Hold on to Hope.

He is a good man.

I love him. Every minute, every second. He makes me go so crazy. He can just make me be so mad at him for treating me like an ass sometimes. But yet, he can make me fall in love with him over and over again.

I never forget the way he treats me or hold me when he is with me. I wish he can follow me 24/7 because he is a different man. I can see from his eyes. I maybe wrong but my heart tells me whatever I am feeling is true. He protects me. Even though he can so rude and pissed at things we just quarrel about, I know he loves me, deep down.

I just wish I have concrete evidence. His phone has pictures of me and us. I believe him through these actions.

I believe he love me. He loves me deeply.

What exactly is Jealousy?

Humans are weird. Well, I guess it is just me. I drift into thoughts when I glances couples holding one another in their arms tightly; giggling at each other's small talks. I questioned : are they a perfect love or they have been through shits and hell to get to this far; to know how much they mean to each other. 

Well, Bryan and I don't have the perfect love. It isn't the fairytale love story. Jealousy came between us. During my growing up journey, I was boyish-type of girl therefore, I tend to get along well with my guy classmates. In secondary, I had a few close guy classmates. They were always helping me with my studies, talking about their games, comparing fitness with one another and chilling away during our free time. Bryan has this point of view : Be it 7 years or 2 months of friendship, as long as he is a dude and you are going out with him alone is a no-go. That is his perspective. 

It took me awhile to understand. I don't blame him to think that way. Think of it as Love. We can have 2 months of relationship that fill you up with happiness compared to a 2 years relationship that makes you feel nothing. Apply it to friendship. Same theory. 

Of course, I have my own thinking but I questioned myself sometimes if it is right? I always been going out with a few guy friends alone previously when I was with my ex. So it glued on me that it is okay to go out with them. But to Bryan, I can't think that way. I have to think about his feelings, think in his shoes. That's one thing I need to adjust to.

We love to tease each other. Fact is Bryan loves Xiao Mei Mei aka young cute girls. It was during Polytechnic years. After 3 years later, his taste of woman seemed to evolve. We were friends since Poly so it was a habit for me to always tease him about xmm. We always joke around about this type of topic.

However, today it got to an extent that I went frustrated and actually, jealous. He teased about going out with my girl friend who I was with and at the start, I played along with him. A few times of saying that to me is alright. But as he kept going on and continue to say again and again, I started to get jealous. I know he was kidding. It is his personality. But was I right to be jealous? Do I have the right to? 

If I was a dumb and childish girl, I will be super mad at him, telling him off and saying things that I don't mean it. However, I didn't want to do that cause I couldn't and I wouldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him I was jealous afterall I knew he was joking with me. I just couldn't. 

Bryan isn't the guy who will always tell you he loves you. He does this teasing matter to me but deep down inside, he do love me. Well, he is that guy that needs you to care about him. He doesn't show it but deep down inside, he needs someone to tell him how much he mean in your life. He needs a reminder that he is loved by someone. 

The thing is I need him to tell me how much I mean to him too. Afterall, I am a human. I need someone to care for me. Sometimes, a reminder will be good once in a while.

For now, I will tell myself that I am loved. 

What is there left to be afraid about?

Humans have scars. As for every scars, it lies a story. Well, I have many scars. Scars just left there, wounded. Bryan and I has this weird relationship. We laughed a lot but we shed tears a lot too. He can be rude at times. Bryan isn't the kind of guy that you seek comfort words to. He is the kind of guy that will reply you in a sarcastic manner, not being mean but just being himself. He wouldn't sugar coat me with words like I will love you forever or You are my only one. He will be telling you : you know the answer or doesn't my actions done enough. That is something about him that I do love.

As a girl, I do wish to hear those words but as I think deeper, those sentences are meaningless. It can be empty words, words of no interpretation of anything. It is just words to make one feel comfort and feel good about themselves which leads to them living in dilemma.

However, there is something I am trying to understand and grasp about Bryan. Every single time we meet, I will just spend every moment looking at him, talking to him, just have a great laugh at one another. I found myself in another world, in his bubble. I don't name it as ours because I didn't felt like it was ours. It was his bubble that I escaped into. His world. It was a lifestyle that I enjoyed. When we separate from each other physically, I was in my own bubble again. It felt kind of depressing being in my own bubble. I didn't hate my bubble. I just miss being in his.

As our weekdays are on the texting, quarrels tend to build up. Bryan loves to quarrel with me through texting. I never knew why so did he. He would quarrel with me and our life will be in a great big mess. I never like quarreling with him. I never did. It is painful, upsetting and lastly, depressing. Bryan never wanted to quarrel. He never had an intention to. It is just that both of us never seem to see eye to eye on certain manner. And also, he is the kind of guy that can be super crude with his words. He can say it bluntly to you, not knowing how much those words could hurt you.

When they said words can hurt, they mean it. I would say I was hurt by his words till I have nothing to be afraid about. I guess you would say this is " I am used to it " thing. Well, I am trying to handle those impacts of words that does to me but as times went by, I can tell that I am taking it quite alright. Beginning, I would make a big fuss and my friend would tell me that if a guy treated her that way, she will just walk away. I wasn't her and she wasn't me. It was hard for me to walk away. Leaving Bryan didn't seem right. There were times that I felt like but I knew it will be wrong to.

I don't know if I am doing it right or wrong. I just know even though Bryan can be are a real jerkass, he cares about the people he loves. He sincerely does. He isn't a teller, he shows it. You just got to catch the little details.

Flawed.

A human myself has met many failures. Right now, I am facing another one too. I asked myself why do I let this thing supposedly called Love to affect the way I am, to affect my lifestyle? Love is crazy enough to let me waste my day away, drowning myself with sleep and alcohol. Juvenile is the best damn word to describe me.

Holding on to Love, thinking one day I will meet someone who loves me the way I am. I guess I am wrong. Now, love doesn't feel true anymore. Love is a game. Man prey for younger girls. Woman loses her value as she gets older. If woman sleeps with more than 5 men, she is slut. If man sleeps with more than 5 women, he is on point. Woman will never have the same equality as man. 

I never see love as a game. If I want to be with someone, I will be with that someone. Beginning, I was skeptical about the whole relationship I had with Bryan. But in the beginning, it was fine. We both like the no relationship status but soon, Bryan found that he couldn't do that anymore as he wants to be the man in my life. I felt it was too fast but I went ahead with it. It started all good. We laughed, joked and we were always talking when we meet. He would rant to me about his army stuff and I would listen. I am not the best damn listener in this goddamn world but bloody hell, I listened.

Bryan is like me in many ways. We love to talked. Talk from everything to anything. I did not need to ask him how was his day and he will tell me automatically. That was what I love about him. I was his listening ears so was he. 

He doesn't hang out much with his friends. He likes his comfort zone. He is that kind of guy then after a long hell of a week, he wants to come home to a place where he can be himself, chill and spend his time with someone he love. He does wants to go out and have fun but most of the time, he want to be in his bubble. It is that kind of love I guess. The honeymoon period love when you are with that person, billions of people in this world didn't matter. Just the two of us. 

Bryan looks like he is one tough heck of a guy but actually, he has his soft side. Sometimes, he will lie on my belly or my thighs while watching tv or playing his game. We did not always need to be in one's arm but there will always be a need of a skinship. It is comforting. A comfort that no words can describe. It is something that I will always crave for.


Have you ever wonder.

Have you ever wonder why love always fall apart? It can always be one's mistake but humans are just pushing blame to one another. What if one day we stopped pushing blame and start trusting and loving the other party, will the love be different?

It is never about the look or about how he treats you. It was about how he made you feel about yourself. Well, when I met Bryan, he was everything I wanted. I don't want a nonchalant relationship. I want it to be filled with joy and laughter. There will be bad times but I am willing to go through with it. Bryan has this magic about him. He can be real crude sometimes but he will do whatever it takes to protect someone. He is a safe house to me. I never told him that. I will never had a chance to.

I feel like whenever a relationship fails, it falls on me. I am always blaming myself for whatever happened. Is it wrong? I always questioned myself. Am I such a bad girlfriend? I will never be someone's perfection. Love is a gamble. I gamble this love. I have to deal with the heart ache.

I think this is the end. End of Love. I thought I found it. In the end, I lost it. Maybe love is not my thing. Maybe love is just a damn stupid word that someone created. Maybe love is not real anymore.