Do it because You love it

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The Warm Sun in the Morning.

I am reading up on how to be a successful entrepreneur and be a morning person. I always drag myself out of bed. It is really bad. I am totally opposite of a successful person. I have to start changing. Small steps at a time. I will try to because change is pretty hard when you living with your habit for the past 21 years!

Well, what will I do first or should I say where should I start? Many websites states successful person keeps a diary but I don't have a habit on writing a diary. Well, is blogging count as a diary? ( Maybe? ) I do feel like writing your thoughts when you had a long and tiring day is really good because you are sorting out of your emotions. 

I guess I will seek for a diary. I was looking for it for the past months but I never bought it because they are so pretty! Especially Kikki. I love their journal books and To-Do list! I might get/ design a To-Do list as they said being successful person will have a To-Do list with them, to allow them to check what needs to be done within a day or a week! 

Another thing to do is improving my attitude towards learning! I do take in people's advise but slower. It doesn't always work instantly. When come to criticism, I take a while to be understand and change. I was pretty stubborn and ignorant in the past. So that is one thing I really got to change!

I am starting to change my morning habit, taking time to prepare breakfast and reading articles. I am adjusting myself to that lifestyle but I am taking it really slow. I still make an effort to make good breakfast but ONLY THE WEEKENDS. I need to make it like 2-3 times a week. Got to work on that!

One step at a time.


Dream

Designspiration — Design Inspiration:

Let me dream. Dream as big as I want.

It is crazy how I have this big dream in my mind but I won't say it. Because if I do, it will always be a dream. I want to dream as big as I want, as crazy as I like. Just let me dream. I feel like it is not impossible for that dream of mine. In fact, I am working towards it. I won't say I am working hard and fast but I am moving towards that dream in tiny steps first.

I don't find it too big or crazy. It is something that I want to achieve in my life. Just by achieving this goal. I will feel that I lived my life to the fullest. Of course, to make this dream work, I really have to work hard in my game. Push myself even further. Everyday, I go to work with a heavy heart because maybe I am not doing what I truly love. I enjoy the job but I do not have much knowledge or stand afterall, I am the youngest full-timer here. 

I do want to make a point here at work but at the same time, I do not want to irritate the people around me. Work is hard! 

Well, at least I got people around that supports me and are here in my life! I am truly grateful for them especially my boyfriend!

What makes you sane?

Bare Utility - Bedroom Design Ideas & Pictures – Decorating Ideas (houseandgarden.co.uk):

A Day in Bed.

I wish I have a room like that. I have been crazy about interior designs. Not that I want to be a designer or anything, I just love the look of the house. How it is cleverly designed. I wish to live in this type of apartment. Will it ever come true?

Well, it is been quite a tough few months for me. Boyfriend scolding me mainly on what I do. Brother complaining to me how his life is falling apart. Older Colleague telling me on her life experiences or anything in particular. What really hit me hard the most was when my boyfriend told me what have I done for him?

It just hits me right in my face. Like a slap. What have I done for him? Maybe to him, I didn't do anything for him. But to me, I gave him my everything. I stop hanging out with my guy friends, I try to not meet my friends/family when he is out of camp, I try to do whatever I can for him. Am I trying not hard enough? Am I that bad as a girlfriend? Failing in many ways.

I can't see the future anymore.

Thinking Positive

Une maison style industriel dans le nord de Londres - PLANETE DECO a homes world:

Dream Big Or Go Home

Every morning, I drag myself out of bed. I literally whine in my mind every second and I just feel so negative. It is so bad. I don't like it. I am working 5.5 days a week, having a 9-6 pm job and it really stinks. I admire those people who can survive in this type of job for years. It just kills me to work everyday, the same timing and just eating the same breakfast food almost every single day. 

Suddenly when I get into the office, unknowingly, I feel so positive! Well, it just hits me that I need to be positive or else, my life will just go downhill. I had a weird thinking : Thinking that I can be my own boss and succeed in doing the thing I love. Crazy isn't it? At least, I have a goal to look forward too! I do want to keep improving myself. I want to learn new techniques on the things I love. I do support local arts especially jewelry making or interesting products.

Well, money has always been an issue. I am always having hard time to balance my finance. I am still learning. Splurging on myself always felt wrong because I always tell myself I have this or have that. Got to learn to balance my finance well. 

Just got to continue working, earn money and get inspired. I just want to dream big. Small town girl got a big dream. 

All you ever wanted.

Well, I never expect myself to fall in love with someone like him who is totally the opposite from the person I had in mind. How funny it seems that he fits me perfectly. The way he is can make me so pissed off and he doesn't know why.

I guess I am having hard time to adapt to it because I never met someone like him. Maybe I did but it feels different I guess? I don't know what I really want from him. I guess respect. I want to be respect sometimes.

I feel that I am degraded when he talks to me. He thinks I am stupid. Not once he thinks proudly of me. Nothing that I know of. He never really tell me. The person I love never really said to me that he is proud of me. He did before on Instagram. It made me happy knowing that someone I love supports me and is happy for me. To be honest, it was a damn great feeling.

Now, he isn't happy for me. Basically, he hates me working at the job, hates me that I am losing money and yet I am still working on it. He just hates to see me suffer. I know he cares. I think I know. I am not a mind reader. I can't understand how he works. I never did and never will.

Because he is an only child. His thinking is pretty stubborn. He only listens to people like his friends or cousins. When comes to me, I doubt he listens to me. Pretty much, my solution/advise is quite useless to his ears. Maybe I am useless with advise. I got to agree on that. I can't give any good advise or thinking. However, I should stop degrading myself. Just because he feels that I am quite dumb with my decision, I started to give in and think to myself that I am quite dumb and useless.

I should stop thinking that way. Just because I am not the cleverest kid in his eyes, doesn't mean it allows me to look down on myself. I should not and will not look down on myself. That is not me. I am Jolin. A girl who have been through shits and been treated like shits for so long and I shouldn't let it continue. I am not supposed to let someone beat me down and bring me up and beat me down again. I should fight for who I am. I love him and I will always do. Just that sometimes, I want to think for myself.

I did whatever I can for him. I gave him everything. I love him and only him. No matter what he do, I know he do it to protect me or help me. 


Uncertain

I wondered why was I given this life. I am grateful for this life. Well, I have been in hell hole and shit ass life for maybe a few months but I guess it is alright. It is okay when your boyfriend calls you stupid because I agree with him. 

I am pretty stupid for allowing people to have a chance to make use of me. And when I do things for myself, people found me selfish and self-center. I can't please everyone. I am not perfect. 

I think I can not avoided being hurt. It is always haunting me. My life huh. Well, things will get better right? People said things will be better after a storm. I guess it is true right?

Right now, all I left with is hope. 

Counting down the days.

I couldn't sleep last night. Mainly because my heart was too excited for a trip that I long await with someone I love. But we quarreled last night and my heart was trembled the whole time. I couldn't sleep. 

I dreamt that we quarreled on our trip and we had a bad one. Why do I feel that way? Is it because we have been quarreling almost every single day and it never stops. It will follow us in the future? Really hate quarreling. It has taken me to an extent that I can't even sleep and my heart is trembling. It is that serious. 

I pray really hard that we won't quarrel during our trip or before the trip because I know you will quarrel with me. I guess I should not act like I know everything. I should be humble and pretend that I don't. If you scold me, I keep quiet. If you are angry, I will look away and stay quiet. If you quarrel, I will not fight back and keep it within.

Because you need a girl like that.

What is that feeling they call?

Posting a million photos of us means that you love me. But you following hundreds of girls, what does that mean? What is all these?

It hurts. I have no words.

I guess this is it. I no longer know the word : Love. I will live my life under the word : Obey. I guess maybe this life, I won't be able to feel love.

It was never easy

Being in this journey with you was not easy and will not be because our lives is always filled with excitement and sorrow.

 I don't hate it or love it but I want to be in it. I guess because that is what you do for someone you love. I do want to be in his life no matter what. That is something about being together. We share our memories together. And I want to be part of his memory forever.

 Because he is my last.