All you ever wanted.

Well, I never expect myself to fall in love with someone like him who is totally the opposite from the person I had in mind. How funny it seems that he fits me perfectly. The way he is can make me so pissed off and he doesn't know why.

I guess I am having hard time to adapt to it because I never met someone like him. Maybe I did but it feels different I guess? I don't know what I really want from him. I guess respect. I want to be respect sometimes.

I feel that I am degraded when he talks to me. He thinks I am stupid. Not once he thinks proudly of me. Nothing that I know of. He never really tell me. The person I love never really said to me that he is proud of me. He did before on Instagram. It made me happy knowing that someone I love supports me and is happy for me. To be honest, it was a damn great feeling.

Now, he isn't happy for me. Basically, he hates me working at the job, hates me that I am losing money and yet I am still working on it. He just hates to see me suffer. I know he cares. I think I know. I am not a mind reader. I can't understand how he works. I never did and never will.

Because he is an only child. His thinking is pretty stubborn. He only listens to people like his friends or cousins. When comes to me, I doubt he listens to me. Pretty much, my solution/advise is quite useless to his ears. Maybe I am useless with advise. I got to agree on that. I can't give any good advise or thinking. However, I should stop degrading myself. Just because he feels that I am quite dumb with my decision, I started to give in and think to myself that I am quite dumb and useless.

I should stop thinking that way. Just because I am not the cleverest kid in his eyes, doesn't mean it allows me to look down on myself. I should not and will not look down on myself. That is not me. I am Jolin. A girl who have been through shits and been treated like shits for so long and I shouldn't let it continue. I am not supposed to let someone beat me down and bring me up and beat me down again. I should fight for who I am. I love him and I will always do. Just that sometimes, I want to think for myself.

I did whatever I can for him. I gave him everything. I love him and only him. No matter what he do, I know he do it to protect me or help me.