We were two different person that can't work no matter how hard we tried. I am a girl with a dream, a person with responsibility in her job and her family and a girl who wants to fly whereas, he is an only child who had me as his everything. It was something I could not give him; my everything. Sadly, I have to face the reality and let him have someone who can do that for him.

It is never to say goodbye. This time, it is even harder but I have to make a right choice for two person's happiness.

He will never reply me & I don't blame him. If someone out there listens to him better than I do, that person deserve him. It is not I don't want to listen to him but ever since I work in this company, I can't concentrate on him as much as he do. Answering to clients, dealing with my boss & the other colleague & other workloads + my life, I am so carried away that I don't know how to balance everything.

And if I tell him that, he will reply me, " Okay. Then I will be like you. I won't put you as my first priority because you can't put me first. " I don't know if I know him completely but I know what he will reply when we quarrel. I let him rant to me about his NS stuff. I may not be the most understanding person/a person who knows about army life but I try to listen to him & take in as much as I know. Am I really bad? 

I don't want to keep complaining to him about my work stuff because it is not needed all the time. He don't even know what I do much at work because it is hard to explain to him/anyone. 

I wish I can type more here but I don't know what words to write on what I am feeling. I just want to get away from here; from life.

There isn't a guidebook that teaches you to be better than who you are now. Yes, self-help books are everywhere. I won't say it doesn't benefit a person but honestly, at the end of the day, it is YOU that can help yourself to get through your daily life shits. YOU are the only one that can tell yourself how to be a better person than who you are now. 

The only reason that is blocking me to be a better person is over-thinking. Overthinking is a bad friend. It always brings me down; deep into the black hole. It made me self-doubt, asking myself continuously if I am good enough or am I worthy to be in a position to do what I love. I keep convincing myself that everyone is an individual. We are different in our own ways. It is okay if you are not as good as the other or if you are different from what one is doing. The main question is are you happy with what you have & what you are doing now with your life?

If one isn't happy, why bother? Sometimes, we all need that little spark in ourselves. That spark which will brings out the fire in us! I had that spark in my life but it always seem to disappear after awhile & return back again. I still hold on to what I have but there are times I wish I was pushed to excel in what I set out to do! The only one who can help me is MYSELF. To fight & survive or to feel like I don't want to let this life go to waste, everyone should live to the fullest! Be it the good time/bad time, cherish what you have & learn from your regrets or mistakes!

Life isn't always about you only live once so you decide to do crazy stuff! It is about learning about yourself & people around you. Learning how to be you! You may not be loved by many. There will be haters but I guess this is life. No one is born to be loved by everyone they know. The only thing that matters is who will stay by your side till the end.

I am grateful for the people around me. I may not be the best friend or the best girlfriend or the best daughter. I am still learning to be accept myself. Of course, I want to make some changes. Let's do it one step at a time. Cheers to be a better person!

Soon, I felt like I am crumbling. And it is hard to think that I am fine when deep down inside, I miss him. 

I think I will be fine. 

When you start to date someone, you should notice their flaws & their imperfection. And shouldn't those imperfection makes her feel special and unique? I guess I don't know if I am right or wrong. After almost 1 year of being in love & being hurt & being crazy, I reached my limit. 

This is me. Being indecisive about what I want. Afraid of being fat again. Afraid of not being good enough. Afraid that I can't make him happy. Afraid to quarrel with him. I want to stop being afraid anymore. He is a good person, a nice man but our personality clashed. He wants girl who can listen to him, make decision fast & do what he wants her to do while I am a girl who is indecisive, flawed & want to do things that he don't want me to do. 

There is room for improvement on myself & of course, I will work hard towards it. I guess relationship isn't my thing. 1 year ago, I broke off with a guy who I was with for 2 years. Today, I broke off with a guy who I was with for nearly a year. I do not want to go through this. I just want to be happy. Love isn't my thing.

I just want to live in my world now because what I felt before was long gone. Your man that walked past you & never notice you, you start to feel real small in his eyes. We both did the best we can for this relationship but I guess we are just not compatible. 

For now, I just want to find myself.

Cozy Space of 29 m2

When is a good time to live on my own? In Singapore, to live on my own basic salary, I will not have the luxury to buy what I want or to eat what I want. Well, maybe this will prompt me to cook more at home! I do want to live in my own one bedroom studio apt. Since young, my family has always been loud & noisy. When I have the chance to be alone at home, it is comforting & I do enjoy to a large extent because I can do whatever I want.

It is pretty awesome! Though I did consider the fact that I might feel lonely, I just want to be in my own home. A place just me & my stuff. I can do my own thing, play my own music & work all night! Don't misunderstand. I love my family. Sometimes, being alone at home feels comforting. 

I have been looking for one bedroom studio apartment. There are quite reasonable prices but it is still a hefty sum for me. It shouts no makeup/clothes for the month! I have to buy something for myself every month. Nothing expensive. Fabrics or make-up or accessories! Trust me, fabrics can easily steal my money away within seconds! 

I should be adventurous huh! 

To think. To be able to breathe again.

Questions over questions. Asking myself again & again : Why? I remember when I was in England, I would be in my uncle's bathroom for quite some time. The bathroom is amazing. Small but yet cozy. I sat in the bathtub, thinking about answers to all my uncertainties. I cried as I thought about it because I found myself at a position that was neutral. I was neither right nor wrong. However, why did I deserve this? Until now, people reprimanded me for the way I am. The way I was born. 

No one ever thank me for the way I am or appreciate me for the way I am. Everyone just see the negative side of me. I never know what's wrong. I tried to change for the better but no one sees it. The people around me see that I am a girl who is just going to stay the way she is; stubborn & ignorant. 

Singers coming out with songs like : Born this way - Lady Gaga, Who You Are - Jessie J etc. Songs on loving the way you are. I asked myself why do I let people stomp my pride over? Is it because I did not love myself enough for people to show the slightest respect to me? 

Could that be the reason? 

Will there be a solution to solve this problem? And if there is, someone show me the way? 

Dream to do something I love. Something I can do it in my own way. 

After watching The Intern with my boyfriend yesterday ( despite of the horrible haze of PSI 300 ), I felt motivated. Motivated to do something for myself, to go fore & work hard to do the things I love to do. I can never stop designing. I may not be the best in it or the greatest designer in the whole world but I want to continue this adrenaline in me. That passion. 

Some people make it big. Some people became very successful. Some people like me just work hard at the background, trying to make the best out of the things he/she does. I want to improve myself, to be better, to explore more! 

I never stop working towards that goal I have in mind. I am just slow, probably because I working full-time, balancing my life with friends, family & my boyfriend. I do want to make things work. I gave up a few things in life but I can't give up on this; my passion for designing. I just wish I have that strength to push myself further. Right now, I am one lazy ass bum. This dream. I will work hard for it. I will. I have to. That's the reason why I am alive. 

I am a Nobody. I never want to be a somebody. I just want to work hard for this goal I have. To be able to realize that dream, I am fully satisfied with my life! 

Warm cup of Hot Coco & My Favourite Book

Lately, I am feeling moody. It feels like every part of my will & strength is drained out from my day job. I never felt so weak. I can't seem to find the balance. The fact is I never did in the beginning. I am trying hard to cope with my job, my hobby, my lover, my friends & my family. It is crazy how my life can be in a crazy mess.

A mess that I don't hate. I just having a difficult time balancing them. I wish I can drop my day job and go fore on doing the things I love however, I can't do it now. Right now, I know I need the income. I need to save up. I need to explore more. I just feel that I keep staying on the same spot. I never seem to push myself harder.

I got to start working harder now. I can't give up. I am 21.