How to be better than who you are now?

Ernest Hemingway:

There isn't a guidebook that teaches you to be better than who you are now. Yes, self-help books are everywhere. I won't say it doesn't benefit a person but honestly, at the end of the day, it is YOU that can help yourself to get through your daily life shits. YOU are the only one that can tell yourself how to be a better person than who you are now. 

The only reason that is blocking me to be a better person is over-thinking. Overthinking is a bad friend. It always brings me down; deep into the black hole. It made me self-doubt, asking myself continuously if I am good enough or am I worthy to be in a position to do what I love. I keep convincing myself that everyone is an individual. We are different in our own ways. It is okay if you are not as good as the other or if you are different from what one is doing. The main question is are you happy with what you have & what you are doing now with your life?

If one isn't happy, why bother? Sometimes, we all need that little spark in ourselves. That spark which will brings out the fire in us! I had that spark in my life but it always seem to disappear after awhile & return back again. I still hold on to what I have but there are times I wish I was pushed to excel in what I set out to do! The only one who can help me is MYSELF. To fight & survive or to feel like I don't want to let this life go to waste, everyone should live to the fullest! Be it the good time/bad time, cherish what you have & learn from your regrets or mistakes!

Life isn't always about you only live once so you decide to do crazy stuff! It is about learning about yourself & people around you. Learning how to be you! You may not be loved by many. There will be haters but I guess this is life. No one is born to be loved by everyone they know. The only thing that matters is who will stay by your side till the end.

I am grateful for the people around me. I may not be the best friend or the best girlfriend or the best daughter. I am still learning to be accept myself. Of course, I want to make some changes. Let's do it one step at a time. Cheers to be a better person!






I miss you.

It is funny how sometimes we think we are fine but deep down, we ain't. I look tough & strong & think what I am feeling now is okay.

Soon, I felt like I am crumbling. And it is hard to think that I am fine when deep down inside, I miss him. 

I think I will be fine. 

Honesty

.:

When you start to date someone, you should notice their flaws & their imperfection. And shouldn't those imperfection makes her feel special and unique? I guess I don't know if I am right or wrong. After almost 1 year of being in love & being hurt & being crazy, I reached my limit. 

This is me. Being indecisive about what I want. Afraid of being fat again. Afraid of not being good enough. Afraid that I can't make him happy. Afraid to quarrel with him. I want to stop being afraid anymore. He is a good person, a nice man but our personality clashed. He wants girl who can listen to him, make decision fast & do what he wants her to do while I am a girl who is indecisive, flawed & want to do things that he don't want me to do. 

There is room for improvement on myself & of course, I will work hard towards it. I guess relationship isn't my thing. 1 year ago, I broke off with a guy who I was with for 2 years. Today, I broke off with a guy who I was with for nearly a year. I do not want to go through this. I just want to be happy. Love isn't my thing.

I just want to live in my world now because what I felt before was long gone. Your man that walked past you & never notice you, you start to feel real small in his eyes. We both did the best we can for this relationship but I guess we are just not compatible. 

For now, I just want to find myself.

When is the right time to live on my own?

:

Cozy Space of 29 m2

When is a good time to live on my own? In Singapore, to live on my own basic salary, I will not have the luxury to buy what I want or to eat what I want. Well, maybe this will prompt me to cook more at home! I do want to live in my own one bedroom studio apt. Since young, my family has always been loud & noisy. When I have the chance to be alone at home, it is comforting & I do enjoy to a large extent because I can do whatever I want.

It is pretty awesome! Though I did consider the fact that I might feel lonely, I just want to be in my own home. A place just me & my stuff. I can do my own thing, play my own music & work all night! Don't misunderstand. I love my family. Sometimes, being alone at home feels comforting. 

I have been looking for one bedroom studio apartment. There are quite reasonable prices but it is still a hefty sum for me. It shouts no makeup/clothes for the month! I have to buy something for myself every month. Nothing expensive. Fabrics or make-up or accessories! Trust me, fabrics can easily steal my money away within seconds! 

I should be adventurous huh! 



A start I say.


Top : New Look
Pants : H&M
Boots : Bought from England
Bag : U.TOPI

I was never good at posing in front of camera. I guess I never had a chance to explore what type of expressions I should make & knowing my angles. At least, I tried. Doing a lookbook for U.TOPI collection so I tried to play around on the photography ideas! 

It is tough when you do everything on your own : from the design of bags to buying materials to taking pictures & sending parcels out with the addition of a hectic full-time job! I had to self-time & rush in front of the camera & try to strike a few poses out of 5 shots. Fun but yet, messy because I had to adjust my hair and clothes within 8 seconds ( deduct from the 2 seconds of running in front of the camera ) 

Sometime, I asked myself do I want this life? The adrenaline rush, the mixture of so many compounds in my life. I love it but yet, I dislike it. Well, a system can never be perfect so will your life. Life has its ups & downs. Right now, this down seems like a motivation to me. 

I want to do more of this. It is quite fun & I can look at how I work my ideas & display of the bags I made. Wish I have more rest days! Too bad that I work 5 & half days in a week. It is just crazy! I only have 1 & half day to do what I want. Really stinks.


Questions over Questions

:

To think. To be able to breathe again.

Questions over questions. Asking myself again & again : Why? I remember when I was in England, I would be in my uncle's bathroom for quite some time. The bathroom is amazing. Small but yet cozy. I sat in the bathtub, thinking about answers to all my uncertainties. I cried as I thought about it because I found myself at a position that was neutral. I was neither right nor wrong. However, why did I deserve this? Until now, people reprimanded me for the way I am. The way I was born. 

No one ever thank me for the way I am or appreciate me for the way I am. Everyone just see the negative side of me. I never know what's wrong. I tried to change for the better but no one sees it. The people around me see that I am a girl who is just going to stay the way she is; stubborn & ignorant. 

Singers coming out with songs like : Born this way - Lady Gaga, Who You Are - Jessie J etc. Songs on loving the way you are. I asked myself why do I let people stomp my pride over? Is it because I did not love myself enough for people to show the slightest respect to me? 

Could that be the reason? 

Will there be a solution to solve this problem? And if there is, someone show me the way? 

The Intern.

Office Space: Studio McGee: Before and After Studio Tranformation:

Dream to do something I love. Something I can do it in my own way. 

After watching The Intern with my boyfriend yesterday ( despite of the horrible haze of PSI 300 ), I felt motivated. Motivated to do something for myself, to go fore & work hard to do the things I love to do. I can never stop designing. I may not be the best in it or the greatest designer in the whole world but I want to continue this adrenaline in me. That passion. 

Some people make it big. Some people became very successful. Some people like me just work hard at the background, trying to make the best out of the things he/she does. I want to improve myself, to be better, to explore more! 

I never stop working towards that goal I have in mind. I am just slow, probably because I working full-time, balancing my life with friends, family & my boyfriend. I do want to make things work. I gave up a few things in life but I can't give up on this; my passion for designing. I just wish I have that strength to push myself further. Right now, I am one lazy ass bum. This dream. I will work hard for it. I will. I have to. That's the reason why I am alive. 

I am a Nobody. I never want to be a somebody. I just want to work hard for this goal I have. To be able to realize that dream, I am fully satisfied with my life! 

Strength

:

Warm cup of Hot Coco & My Favourite Book

Lately, I am feeling moody. It feels like every part of my will & strength is drained out from my day job. I never felt so weak. I can't seem to find the balance. The fact is I never did in the beginning. I am trying hard to cope with my job, my hobby, my lover, my friends & my family. It is crazy how my life can be in a crazy mess.

A mess that I don't hate. I just having a difficult time balancing them. I wish I can drop my day job and go fore on doing the things I love however, I can't do it now. Right now, I know I need the income. I need to save up. I need to explore more. I just feel that I keep staying on the same spot. I never seem to push myself harder.

I got to start working harder now. I can't give up. I am 21.

How to overcome the disappointment?

Just Good Design:

Work Harder and Win Big

I take it real hard when someone returns my item back. Well, Disappointment just hits me in the face. I understand if the buyer did not like the product. However, sometimes, I just get slightly disappointed.

Well, I asked myself how do I overcome this disappointment?

1. There is always room for improvement. Well, I am still new at this and due to my full-time job, I can't spend my days sewing or drafting. However, I will try to fork out time to do the things I love.

2. Mistakes are a way of learning. Of course, too many mistakes is no go. However, it is a way of making myself better. When comes to myself or the things I do, I do learn from my mistakes. Usually, I need to make a mistake to learn from it. I don't like it but I always tend to have a small mistake somehow, somewhere. Well, I am trying to get rid of that bad habit!

3. Practice, Practice, Practice! To be better and finish my product nicely, I always try to do a mock up first. To prevent any mistakes on actual product. I started to do it only recently because I find it useful. Therefore, I will buy cheap fabric like $1.50 per metre to just do mock-up. Sometimes, I will reuse the fabric.

4. Admit that the products I created was not up to standard. I don't know if people find it easy to admit their mistake but to me, I do. It takes me awhile to change my attitude on learning.

5. You cannot satisfy everyone. As a designer, I do understand beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. We can't please everyone completely. Sometimes, people don't like the things you do. I will do my best to fit everyone's views and opinions but I still want to put a part of me in the things I do.






My Time

Bathroom:

Have a Hot Shower Whilst Reading My Favourite Romance Book

Period is Period. I have never felt so frustrated/tired in my life. I just want to sleep all day long. I can even sleep in the shower while sitting on a stool. Too bad that I do not have the luxury of owning a bathtub. I do want to have a bathtub when I have my own house. I always dream to have a life with my husband ( hopefully my husband will be this guy I am seeing ) where there is no boundaries and life is easy and relax.

I seek for that luxury; that luxury of happiness, peace and love. Well, wealth is another matter. Right now, I seek for these 3. Because that is what I need in my life. I working towards that life but it will take awhile. Right now, I got to improve myself; my physical appearance, my attitude, my lifestyle. I need my ME time to improve myself. I've been so busy meeting people, hanging out with my brother to accompany him, spending time with my boyfriend because I miss him but I rarely had the time to take care of myself. Only during shower time. 

Other than that, I seek for my ME time. Not always but once in a while. To have the luxury to do my hair, do a mask, sleep in during a rainy weather and pamper myself with good breakfast and tea. I do have ME time once in a while for 2 hours. Usually, I just treat myself with good breakfast or good food that is cook by yours truly! 

Anyways, I miss my man dearly. 8 more days for that man to return to my side! 


Do it because You love it

:

The Warm Sun in the Morning.

I am reading up on how to be a successful entrepreneur and be a morning person. I always drag myself out of bed. It is really bad. I am totally opposite of a successful person. I have to start changing. Small steps at a time. I will try to because change is pretty hard when you living with your habit for the past 21 years!

Well, what will I do first or should I say where should I start? Many websites states successful person keeps a diary but I don't have a habit on writing a diary. Well, is blogging count as a diary? ( Maybe? ) I do feel like writing your thoughts when you had a long and tiring day is really good because you are sorting out of your emotions. 

I guess I will seek for a diary. I was looking for it for the past months but I never bought it because they are so pretty! Especially Kikki. I love their journal books and To-Do list! I might get/ design a To-Do list as they said being successful person will have a To-Do list with them, to allow them to check what needs to be done within a day or a week! 

Another thing to do is improving my attitude towards learning! I do take in people's advise but slower. It doesn't always work instantly. When come to criticism, I take a while to be understand and change. I was pretty stubborn and ignorant in the past. So that is one thing I really got to change!

I am starting to change my morning habit, taking time to prepare breakfast and reading articles. I am adjusting myself to that lifestyle but I am taking it really slow. I still make an effort to make good breakfast but ONLY THE WEEKENDS. I need to make it like 2-3 times a week. Got to work on that!

One step at a time.


Dream

Designspiration — Design Inspiration:

Let me dream. Dream as big as I want.

It is crazy how I have this big dream in my mind but I won't say it. Because if I do, it will always be a dream. I want to dream as big as I want, as crazy as I like. Just let me dream. I feel like it is not impossible for that dream of mine. In fact, I am working towards it. I won't say I am working hard and fast but I am moving towards that dream in tiny steps first.

I don't find it too big or crazy. It is something that I want to achieve in my life. Just by achieving this goal. I will feel that I lived my life to the fullest. Of course, to make this dream work, I really have to work hard in my game. Push myself even further. Everyday, I go to work with a heavy heart because maybe I am not doing what I truly love. I enjoy the job but I do not have much knowledge or stand afterall, I am the youngest full-timer here. 

I do want to make a point here at work but at the same time, I do not want to irritate the people around me. Work is hard! 

Well, at least I got people around that supports me and are here in my life! I am truly grateful for them especially my boyfriend!

What makes you sane?

Bare Utility - Bedroom Design Ideas & Pictures – Decorating Ideas (houseandgarden.co.uk):

A Day in Bed.

I wish I have a room like that. I have been crazy about interior designs. Not that I want to be a designer or anything, I just love the look of the house. How it is cleverly designed. I wish to live in this type of apartment. Will it ever come true?

Well, it is been quite a tough few months for me. Boyfriend scolding me mainly on what I do. Brother complaining to me how his life is falling apart. Older Colleague telling me on her life experiences or anything in particular. What really hit me hard the most was when my boyfriend told me what have I done for him?

It just hits me right in my face. Like a slap. What have I done for him? Maybe to him, I didn't do anything for him. But to me, I gave him my everything. I stop hanging out with my guy friends, I try to not meet my friends/family when he is out of camp, I try to do whatever I can for him. Am I trying not hard enough? Am I that bad as a girlfriend? Failing in many ways.

I can't see the future anymore.

Thinking Positive

Une maison style industriel dans le nord de Londres - PLANETE DECO a homes world:

Dream Big Or Go Home

Every morning, I drag myself out of bed. I literally whine in my mind every second and I just feel so negative. It is so bad. I don't like it. I am working 5.5 days a week, having a 9-6 pm job and it really stinks. I admire those people who can survive in this type of job for years. It just kills me to work everyday, the same timing and just eating the same breakfast food almost every single day. 

Suddenly when I get into the office, unknowingly, I feel so positive! Well, it just hits me that I need to be positive or else, my life will just go downhill. I had a weird thinking : Thinking that I can be my own boss and succeed in doing the thing I love. Crazy isn't it? At least, I have a goal to look forward too! I do want to keep improving myself. I want to learn new techniques on the things I love. I do support local arts especially jewelry making or interesting products.

Well, money has always been an issue. I am always having hard time to balance my finance. I am still learning. Splurging on myself always felt wrong because I always tell myself I have this or have that. Got to learn to balance my finance well. 

Just got to continue working, earn money and get inspired. I just want to dream big. Small town girl got a big dream. 

All you ever wanted.

Well, I never expect myself to fall in love with someone like him who is totally the opposite from the person I had in mind. How funny it seems that he fits me perfectly. The way he is can make me so pissed off and he doesn't know why.

I guess I am having hard time to adapt to it because I never met someone like him. Maybe I did but it feels different I guess? I don't know what I really want from him. I guess respect. I want to be respect sometimes.

I feel that I am degraded when he talks to me. He thinks I am stupid. Not once he thinks proudly of me. Nothing that I know of. He never really tell me. The person I love never really said to me that he is proud of me. He did before on Instagram. It made me happy knowing that someone I love supports me and is happy for me. To be honest, it was a damn great feeling.

Now, he isn't happy for me. Basically, he hates me working at the job, hates me that I am losing money and yet I am still working on it. He just hates to see me suffer. I know he cares. I think I know. I am not a mind reader. I can't understand how he works. I never did and never will.

Because he is an only child. His thinking is pretty stubborn. He only listens to people like his friends or cousins. When comes to me, I doubt he listens to me. Pretty much, my solution/advise is quite useless to his ears. Maybe I am useless with advise. I got to agree on that. I can't give any good advise or thinking. However, I should stop degrading myself. Just because he feels that I am quite dumb with my decision, I started to give in and think to myself that I am quite dumb and useless.

I should stop thinking that way. Just because I am not the cleverest kid in his eyes, doesn't mean it allows me to look down on myself. I should not and will not look down on myself. That is not me. I am Jolin. A girl who have been through shits and been treated like shits for so long and I shouldn't let it continue. I am not supposed to let someone beat me down and bring me up and beat me down again. I should fight for who I am. I love him and I will always do. Just that sometimes, I want to think for myself.

I did whatever I can for him. I gave him everything. I love him and only him. No matter what he do, I know he do it to protect me or help me. 


Uncertain

I wondered why was I given this life. I am grateful for this life. Well, I have been in hell hole and shit ass life for maybe a few months but I guess it is alright. It is okay when your boyfriend calls you stupid because I agree with him. 

I am pretty stupid for allowing people to have a chance to make use of me. And when I do things for myself, people found me selfish and self-center. I can't please everyone. I am not perfect. 

I think I can not avoided being hurt. It is always haunting me. My life huh. Well, things will get better right? People said things will be better after a storm. I guess it is true right?

Right now, all I left with is hope. 

Counting down the days.

I couldn't sleep last night. Mainly because my heart was too excited for a trip that I long await with someone I love. But we quarreled last night and my heart was trembled the whole time. I couldn't sleep. 

I dreamt that we quarreled on our trip and we had a bad one. Why do I feel that way? Is it because we have been quarreling almost every single day and it never stops. It will follow us in the future? Really hate quarreling. It has taken me to an extent that I can't even sleep and my heart is trembling. It is that serious. 

I pray really hard that we won't quarrel during our trip or before the trip because I know you will quarrel with me. I guess I should not act like I know everything. I should be humble and pretend that I don't. If you scold me, I keep quiet. If you are angry, I will look away and stay quiet. If you quarrel, I will not fight back and keep it within.

Because you need a girl like that.

What is that feeling they call?

Posting a million photos of us means that you love me. But you following hundreds of girls, what does that mean? What is all these?

It hurts. I have no words.

I guess this is it. I no longer know the word : Love. I will live my life under the word : Obey. I guess maybe this life, I won't be able to feel love.

It was never easy

Being in this journey with you was not easy and will not be because our lives is always filled with excitement and sorrow.

 I don't hate it or love it but I want to be in it. I guess because that is what you do for someone you love. I do want to be in his life no matter what. That is something about being together. We share our memories together. And I want to be part of his memory forever.

 Because he is my last.

Love Again.

Give it time.
Give it time.

 Cause it ain't no race.
You'll be fine.

 You & Me stand for something. 

Cause I don't want to do this again.

 Another day another day.
See your face.

A Two Sided Love

He has 2 different sides. One with his friends, One with his lover. He isn't weird or crazy. He just acted differently towards 2 different types of people in his life. He is a good friend, caring friend and he will joke with you. Towards his lover, he treats her the same but better; he gets more comfortable and honest.

As his honesty reveals, it wasn't a bad thing but he never knew how it felt for his lover. The verbal abuse of words scarred her heart. This is a human error. We tend to see the negative more than the positive. The reason being because negative brings a bigger impact in one's memory. He protects her, makes her happy, be there for her but soon, things changed.

Honesty came in. Words became arrows stabbed into the heart. In the end, his lover pulled those arrows out and patched the wounds by herself. He never wanted to hurt her but he never knew what it felt like. His lover gave him whatever she can. She gave her all. 

Did he appreciate it? 

His lover just wish for a thank you. A thank you that will never come because she knows he will never do that for her.

But why did she stay?

Because she can't live without him.

It's okay, It's love

It's okay if he stops loving you. It's okay if he fell for another woman. It's okay if he was never planned to be yours forever. It's okay if you were never the one for him.  It's okay to let him go, to let him find someone better. It's okay to keep holding on to him. It's okay if love hurts. It's okay because you are not alone. It's okay, It's love.

I will comfort you and be there for you whenever I can.

Maybe one day, I will wake up from this dream. Maybe this dream will always be a dream. For now, goodnight.

I never knew the reason why.

I don't know why I feel that way. I don't know why I have expectations from someone. I am stupid to think that the things I do for you, maybe one day you will do that for me too. I guess I just love surprises. No wonder they say working life is pretty shitty if you don't do things you love.

Everyday, I give him a call telling him how my work was. He listens but I know he is too busy with his camp stuff and I am grateful that he spares me that 10 minutes. Talking to him makes the day whole lot better but getting to see him will be a blessing. To be able to see someone you love is such a great feeling. It can't be explained.

I don't know why I would predict the future of what you will do for me. It is pretty stupid of me to think that way. I guess it is stupid habit of mine. I always love surprises when I was young. Even when I am at 21, I still love birthdays. I still love presents. I still love gift wrapped box items. Cliche of me but I just love them. It makes a person's day.

That is why I give him surprises because it makes a person feel good. And when he feels good, I feel happy because getting to make someone you love happy is one good feeling. I remembered how it felt. I guess once is enough.

He said leave him if I am not happy. He said not just once but twice. Does it mean he wants me to? Too tired to think of anything. Got to get my Starbucks/Coffeebean/Whichever Coffee Shop I can see tomorrow.


No longer.

Maybe it is not the same as it was before. People change in relationship. I won't say it is a bad thing. Everyone is changing. Nothing stays the same for long. It is life. We are always adapting to new things. We can never stop growing and learning. I am trying to adapt to new things and learn to accept them.

I guess when people ask you to let go certain stuff, you try but you can't. Because you feel that you can do it. You can make it work. Determination, I guess? Am I strong enough? I feel vulerable and weak. I am. I tell myself I am strong and show people I am strong but deep inside, I know I am weak. When will I be strong? Can I be my own hero?

For the past few nights, I have been lighting my candle to sleep. It gives me hope. It told me it will be better tomorrow. I hold on to it. Hold on to Hope.

He is a good man.

I love him. Every minute, every second. He makes me go so crazy. He can just make me be so mad at him for treating me like an ass sometimes. But yet, he can make me fall in love with him over and over again.

I never forget the way he treats me or hold me when he is with me. I wish he can follow me 24/7 because he is a different man. I can see from his eyes. I maybe wrong but my heart tells me whatever I am feeling is true. He protects me. Even though he can so rude and pissed at things we just quarrel about, I know he loves me, deep down.

I just wish I have concrete evidence. His phone has pictures of me and us. I believe him through these actions.

I believe he love me. He loves me deeply.

What exactly is Jealousy?

Humans are weird. Well, I guess it is just me. I drift into thoughts when I glances couples holding one another in their arms tightly; giggling at each other's small talks. I questioned : are they a perfect love or they have been through shits and hell to get to this far; to know how much they mean to each other. 

Well, Bryan and I don't have the perfect love. It isn't the fairytale love story. Jealousy came between us. During my growing up journey, I was boyish-type of girl therefore, I tend to get along well with my guy classmates. In secondary, I had a few close guy classmates. They were always helping me with my studies, talking about their games, comparing fitness with one another and chilling away during our free time. Bryan has this point of view : Be it 7 years or 2 months of friendship, as long as he is a dude and you are going out with him alone is a no-go. That is his perspective. 

It took me awhile to understand. I don't blame him to think that way. Think of it as Love. We can have 2 months of relationship that fill you up with happiness compared to a 2 years relationship that makes you feel nothing. Apply it to friendship. Same theory. 

Of course, I have my own thinking but I questioned myself sometimes if it is right? I always been going out with a few guy friends alone previously when I was with my ex. So it glued on me that it is okay to go out with them. But to Bryan, I can't think that way. I have to think about his feelings, think in his shoes. That's one thing I need to adjust to.

We love to tease each other. Fact is Bryan loves Xiao Mei Mei aka young cute girls. It was during Polytechnic years. After 3 years later, his taste of woman seemed to evolve. We were friends since Poly so it was a habit for me to always tease him about xmm. We always joke around about this type of topic.

However, today it got to an extent that I went frustrated and actually, jealous. He teased about going out with my girl friend who I was with and at the start, I played along with him. A few times of saying that to me is alright. But as he kept going on and continue to say again and again, I started to get jealous. I know he was kidding. It is his personality. But was I right to be jealous? Do I have the right to? 

If I was a dumb and childish girl, I will be super mad at him, telling him off and saying things that I don't mean it. However, I didn't want to do that cause I couldn't and I wouldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him I was jealous afterall I knew he was joking with me. I just couldn't. 

Bryan isn't the guy who will always tell you he loves you. He does this teasing matter to me but deep down inside, he do love me. Well, he is that guy that needs you to care about him. He doesn't show it but deep down inside, he needs someone to tell him how much he mean in your life. He needs a reminder that he is loved by someone. 

The thing is I need him to tell me how much I mean to him too. Afterall, I am a human. I need someone to care for me. Sometimes, a reminder will be good once in a while.

For now, I will tell myself that I am loved. 

What is there left to be afraid about?

Humans have scars. As for every scars, it lies a story. Well, I have many scars. Scars just left there, wounded. Bryan and I has this weird relationship. We laughed a lot but we shed tears a lot too. He can be rude at times. Bryan isn't the kind of guy that you seek comfort words to. He is the kind of guy that will reply you in a sarcastic manner, not being mean but just being himself. He wouldn't sugar coat me with words like I will love you forever or You are my only one. He will be telling you : you know the answer or doesn't my actions done enough. That is something about him that I do love.

As a girl, I do wish to hear those words but as I think deeper, those sentences are meaningless. It can be empty words, words of no interpretation of anything. It is just words to make one feel comfort and feel good about themselves which leads to them living in dilemma.

However, there is something I am trying to understand and grasp about Bryan. Every single time we meet, I will just spend every moment looking at him, talking to him, just have a great laugh at one another. I found myself in another world, in his bubble. I don't name it as ours because I didn't felt like it was ours. It was his bubble that I escaped into. His world. It was a lifestyle that I enjoyed. When we separate from each other physically, I was in my own bubble again. It felt kind of depressing being in my own bubble. I didn't hate my bubble. I just miss being in his.

As our weekdays are on the texting, quarrels tend to build up. Bryan loves to quarrel with me through texting. I never knew why so did he. He would quarrel with me and our life will be in a great big mess. I never like quarreling with him. I never did. It is painful, upsetting and lastly, depressing. Bryan never wanted to quarrel. He never had an intention to. It is just that both of us never seem to see eye to eye on certain manner. And also, he is the kind of guy that can be super crude with his words. He can say it bluntly to you, not knowing how much those words could hurt you.

When they said words can hurt, they mean it. I would say I was hurt by his words till I have nothing to be afraid about. I guess you would say this is " I am used to it " thing. Well, I am trying to handle those impacts of words that does to me but as times went by, I can tell that I am taking it quite alright. Beginning, I would make a big fuss and my friend would tell me that if a guy treated her that way, she will just walk away. I wasn't her and she wasn't me. It was hard for me to walk away. Leaving Bryan didn't seem right. There were times that I felt like but I knew it will be wrong to.

I don't know if I am doing it right or wrong. I just know even though Bryan can be are a real jerkass, he cares about the people he loves. He sincerely does. He isn't a teller, he shows it. You just got to catch the little details.

Flawed.

A human myself has met many failures. Right now, I am facing another one too. I asked myself why do I let this thing supposedly called Love to affect the way I am, to affect my lifestyle? Love is crazy enough to let me waste my day away, drowning myself with sleep and alcohol. Juvenile is the best damn word to describe me.

Holding on to Love, thinking one day I will meet someone who loves me the way I am. I guess I am wrong. Now, love doesn't feel true anymore. Love is a game. Man prey for younger girls. Woman loses her value as she gets older. If woman sleeps with more than 5 men, she is slut. If man sleeps with more than 5 women, he is on point. Woman will never have the same equality as man. 

I never see love as a game. If I want to be with someone, I will be with that someone. Beginning, I was skeptical about the whole relationship I had with Bryan. But in the beginning, it was fine. We both like the no relationship status but soon, Bryan found that he couldn't do that anymore as he wants to be the man in my life. I felt it was too fast but I went ahead with it. It started all good. We laughed, joked and we were always talking when we meet. He would rant to me about his army stuff and I would listen. I am not the best damn listener in this goddamn world but bloody hell, I listened.

Bryan is like me in many ways. We love to talked. Talk from everything to anything. I did not need to ask him how was his day and he will tell me automatically. That was what I love about him. I was his listening ears so was he. 

He doesn't hang out much with his friends. He likes his comfort zone. He is that kind of guy then after a long hell of a week, he wants to come home to a place where he can be himself, chill and spend his time with someone he love. He does wants to go out and have fun but most of the time, he want to be in his bubble. It is that kind of love I guess. The honeymoon period love when you are with that person, billions of people in this world didn't matter. Just the two of us. 

Bryan looks like he is one tough heck of a guy but actually, he has his soft side. Sometimes, he will lie on my belly or my thighs while watching tv or playing his game. We did not always need to be in one's arm but there will always be a need of a skinship. It is comforting. A comfort that no words can describe. It is something that I will always crave for.


Have you ever wonder.

Have you ever wonder why love always fall apart? It can always be one's mistake but humans are just pushing blame to one another. What if one day we stopped pushing blame and start trusting and loving the other party, will the love be different?

It is never about the look or about how he treats you. It was about how he made you feel about yourself. Well, when I met Bryan, he was everything I wanted. I don't want a nonchalant relationship. I want it to be filled with joy and laughter. There will be bad times but I am willing to go through with it. Bryan has this magic about him. He can be real crude sometimes but he will do whatever it takes to protect someone. He is a safe house to me. I never told him that. I will never had a chance to.

I feel like whenever a relationship fails, it falls on me. I am always blaming myself for whatever happened. Is it wrong? I always questioned myself. Am I such a bad girlfriend? I will never be someone's perfection. Love is a gamble. I gamble this love. I have to deal with the heart ache.

I think this is the end. End of Love. I thought I found it. In the end, I lost it. Maybe love is not my thing. Maybe love is just a damn stupid word that someone created. Maybe love is not real anymore.

" He made sure you slept well at night. He made sure you get a morning text from him. He made sure that you know he loves you. Who is he now? "

" It isn't about him changing. It is the mindset we had for a relationship that we were looking for. I wasn't the sort of girl he wants in a relationship. Love is in a form of different level. No matter how bad I want to make it to work, we will end up quarreling about the same issue. When you can't make a man happy, you feel useless. You want to give him your all but you want respect from a man. "

" Is this right? Part of me wants to hold on, part of me thinks it is better to let you go. Am I your happiness? Why do I feel like I am not anymore? You used to send me goodnight text on how much you love me and I told you to never stop cause I want to be reminded how lucky I am to have you.

 You said you want to let me go and I told you what it meant in my heart. You chose to say you will love me lesser. Do you know how it feels? It feels like thousand needles pierced through my heart. Why do you have to say you love me lesser? So those words you said to me in the past meant nothing? What am I to you? A toy? You can love me and yet, let me go bit by bit. 

God, please let this be a heavy storm that I can get through. "

Unplanned.

" Unplanned dates create special moments. 

 It wasn't the most perfect night when you wasn't feeling your best but being able to take care of you made me feel happy. I want to be able to take care of you when you are sick, tuck you into bed and keep you warm throughout the night. I want to be that person for you. 

 My actions may not show much but the fact is I do enjoy being with you. At the same time, I hope you will open up to me and show me the real you. Somehow, I feel that every smile you gave lies a pinch of sadness in your heart. "

" I stayed near you and be by your side, holding your hands and clearing your tears. 

But you didn't seem to do the same for me. "

I want to be your hero.

" I know you have been hurt before. People left you without any message or any reason. I know what it feels like cause I had people who left my life without any reason or message. I got hurt but I still wanna let people in. Some people are meant to leave. Not everyone will stay by your side till the end.

 However, I am the stubborn one. I want to stay by your side even how tough life can be with you. I enjoy every moment with you. When we quarrel, laugh, cry, it means a lot to me. I don't know what the future holds. I just know you are my best friend, my shopping partner, my design consultant, my quarreling partner and my caretaker. This is all the roles you took on when you came into life. 

 And now, I want to be your hero. " 

Idea of Love

" What's love? I grew up, thinking that love is the perfect solution to life. It was and still is the key to life. I never knew love has its loopholes. I can't teach what love really is. I just understood it. It taught me the flaws about itself. 

 Loving someone is a joy. Knowing someone that you love loves you is the greatest thing to be felt. It also taught me that the person you love can hurt you in many ways. That person has the key to your sadness and your happiness. That person can break you easily or bring you high up in the sky. That's the thing about love. We are drown in the fantasy of perfect happily ever after which it doesn't happen. That's why we get hurt easily. 

 To find perfect love may happen to maybe a possible one in a million. I envy those couples who met their true love in their first love. It is beautiful to see a old couple who loves each other like how they did when they were in their teens. I wonder if it will ever happen to me? Will it?

 I don't know if who is the right one for me or the guy I am seeing is the perfect soul-mate. I guess I will do what love taught me. Love isn't selfish, Love isn't about envy, Love is to care and shower one with what you can give. Just because a guy you thought was your forever hurts you, doesn't mean you should hate love. Learn from love, Grow from what it taught you. One day, just maybe I will be thankful to love. "

The only person

When I look into your eyes, my trembling heart flutters
When I look at you, I feel like the world has stopped
Just like how winter passes and spring comes
I believe you will come to me as well
My one and only person
My treasure-like person who is like a dream
My first person who blossoms like a flower
Just looking at you makes me tear
When I try to write a poem
I can only write your name
Just like how winter passes and spring comes
I believe you will come to me as well
My one and only person
My treasure-like person who is like a dream
My first person who blossoms like a flower
Just looking at you makes me tear
It might hurt and be hard
But I promise to protect you
I only have you
I’ll be okay if only I have you
My first person, the only one in my life
Just looking at you makes me tear

Reflection

" You look at your reflection and you dislike what you see. You see flaws, regrets and no confidence. Part of you wants to be stronger. Craving your inner confidence to shine but you are scared. Is it wrong that you feel unhappy with the way you look? 

You never meant for the one you love to look at other girls. You just wish that he will constantly remind you how beautiful you look when you doll up and build up confidence in you for him. You did it so to make him feel that he is proud to have you. "

For now.

" Love isn't always perfect. Love has its beauty and its flaws. It pushes people to their limit, to see how much can one do for someone one truly loves. What is the definition of love? I have no answer. I thought I knew what love is and what I had was all I ever needed. I was wrong. What I had before wasn't the love I knew or wanted. It was perception of a lie for the social media. To display a beautiful affection of love behind those misery and pain.

 I never meant to seek for love again. At a moment, I hate love. True love was history. But love have to come knocking on my door. What will the path lead me to? Future seems uncertain. As for now, the walls on my heart have to stay strong. Everyone is scared of a broken heart. "